4 Reasons You Are: In Love, In Lust, Or Indifferent
The sweet guy, the bad-boy, the nice guy and your hardheaded heart
Your Hardheaded Heart
You will fall in love with the sweet guy, fall into bed with bad boy and try to figure out why you do not like the nice guy every time. There are several reasons:
1) Variable reinforcement gives random rewards to specific behaviors. It is a strong trigger for addiction and makes relationships with spontaneous people attractive. Dopamine (the brain’s happy-dance drug) encodes on the anticipation of reward. Like the compulsive gambler anticipating the big pay-off, waiting for the jackpot of bad boy or the sweet guy’s spontaneous gesture has large dopamine rewards. The unpredictability of spontaneity causes adrenaline release. Adrenaline is a stimulant. Stimulants are addictive. In terms of neuro chemicals, you can think of dopamine as straight whiskey, adrenaline as beer and the brain as a boozehound. If it had to choose, the brain would choose dopamine over adrenaline all day, every day. If given the choice though, the brain loves nothing more than a shot of dopamine with an adrenaline back. It is the synergy among availability, chance, and desire. The less available something is, the less chance you have of finding it, and thereby the more precious it becomes. Humans are hard wired that way because we are hunters and gatherers. That is why a rare rock is a precious jewel and a common rock is just a stone. The nice guy is predictable. There is no variable reinforcement, no anticipation, no dopamine, and no reason to stick around.
2) Sex: Sweet guys cuddle, talk, and do all of the things that cause oxytocin release in women. The sexual approach of bad guys has an evolutionary appeal, and does all of the things that release dopamine. Strong and tough are associated with a good provider, even if the woman is not planning to mate with the guy. In addition, bad guys get away with being bad, because they are hot looking; attraction begins with a look. Nice guys are polite and pleasant. There is no dopamine or oxytocin in that.
3) Creativity: Humans love art because we love creativity. Creativity, like art inspires a reaction in us. In the case of the sweet boy, his creative spontaneous acts of kindness cause a reaction. The bad boy’s creative acts of mischief also cause a reaction. Nice guys are considerate, careful, and constant. These are great qualities to find in a housekeeper but not very attractive in a mate. 4) Security: You feel safe with a sweet guy because you know he considers your needs. You feel safe with a bad boy because he probably has a concealed weapon. You do not feel safe with a nice guy because you cannot imagine what he would do in a threatening situation. That uncertainty is the kiss of the death.
The healthiness of your relationships reflects and affects your spiritual and emotional health. The sweet guy and the bad guy are very similar. The difference is, the sweetness is a climate and the badness is a weather condition in the sweet guy, and vice versa in the bad boy. Relationships are like climates, though. Some are more suitable to live in, others to visit, and some are uninhabitable, i.e. the sweet guy, the bad boy, and the nice guy respectively.
The problem occurs when compulsive overeaters decide to fix the bad guy, run away from the sweet guy because he treats you better than you treat yourself, or the worst: try to make the nice guy exciting. One must accept this world on its own terms. If you fall in love with a bad guy, and you are not young girl, then you have some soul searching to do. If your relationship becomes more important than you, you have some soul searching to do. For that, I suggest the power of sitting in stillness and letting the silence speak. Remain fabulous and phenomenal.
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